Randomness 2.

...and I swear I'm sure I feel anything I believe.

Forget about what we give and what we get and the cycles and the world and everything. I believe in a brand new cliched philosophy: the grass is always greener on the other side.

I am only waiting to die, the moment when I will say, "hey, I wished I could live a little longer". I am waiting for the moment to change, when I will say, "hey, you know what, actually, I liked it better the other way, I wished I could go back in time.." I wished I was everything I never was. I wished I was anything but everything I have ever been. I wished I could live on the moon, and look at Earth far away in the sky, and say, "I wished I lived there!" I wished I could be that girl with red hair, always so concerned about her clothes and her make-up, how pretty she looks! and I'd say "I wished I was that girl with black hair, never concerned about her clothes and never puts on make-up, how free she looks!" 

How do we know that neither does the red-haired girl look pretty under her make-up, and nor does the black-haired girl feel free in her carelessness.

I wished I were a bird, mindless to even wish anything!

Randomness.

Everything moves in circles. It has something to do with the shape of Earth and the way it keeps orbiting around the sun. We live the same cycle again and again, one day after another, one year after another, the same twelve months, the same sunrise and the same sunset over and over again, the same summer, autumn, winter, spring, and summer again! Our planet should've been flat like people used to believe in earlier years, and it should've been moving forward in stead of continuously orbiting around a sun; then things would actually have a beginning and an end.

"to grasp what it means to exist one needs to grasp the fact that he might not exist" - Mr. Rollo May.

 ...and I'm sure I feel anything I believe.

Everything movies in circles.. if only our planet would've been flat..

Everytime I think I'm moving ahead I realize I've come back to where I started from.

We live and we die and we live again. We give and we get and we give what we get.

There has to be a way out, there has to be a way to break these cycles. Only then can I move ahead.

ZINE 1, January 2008.

thursday, the day i look so pretty!

how right you are! i will write! its just what i was thinking while having the crazy hot shower with the nice smelling oil.. i will rejuvenate the blog one of these days. and write about crazy things. like the colour of dirt that i pull out of my drain pipe and the centipedes that are so much on my mind thanks to the current project, and the feeling i feel when i feel this disgusting feeling of feeling so blue. how cool! the - feeling - i - feel - when i - feel - this disgusting - feeling - of - feeling - so blue. so many feelings. and then i will do a course in typography in banglore where i will live because it is a city which has an art college and because it is in india and because it is a little far from bombay and baroda and gandhinagar and ahemdabad and because it is not so far away from all these places either. and because i must do something with the time given to me, so i can live with the people given to me, but still i can live without these people at the same time. and because it is all a lie. i will live neither in bombay, nor in banglore, not london, nor melbourne, nor kutch or baroda or gandhinagar or ahemdabad or delhi or assam or america or greenland or china or japan or nepal or indonesia or anything. i will live in the wrong world. at the wrong time. in the wrong life. doing the right thing. but getting the wrong results! believing in the right things but believing so much that the beliefs hold true no longer! intense, everything is so intense. everything is so over done. for example, read this mail! or look at my drawings! or listen to change by tracy chapman, or hey there delilah. or read robert frost's poems. or meet someone. anyone.

how about starting to write right now, i will write this.

if ever you happen to stray to this place, today is the day i hate you more than anything else in the world for you have made me play and played with my feelings enough. i hope i never forgive you. you have given me a life, yes, but a life that i do not wish to live. well. at least one step ahead of my father and mother, they gave me birth but forgot to give me a life.