confession

you built in me fear

when others were teaching power

you spent my years in convincing yourself

you wasted my time by not spending yours

you made me depend on you

so you could feel independent

and while i was suppose to learn to love

you taught me how to scheme

when you were meant to teach me to look at myself

you taught me to look at you

.

give me back my learning years

give me back my lost time

the knowledge i never got

give me the sense of love i need

to mend my life

give me the strength i was suppose to already have

to move on further

give me a meaning to want,

to remove from myself the fear of human beings

the fear of myself

of you

of everything

of runnings away

of losing control

of forgetting

of fakeness

of failure

of wrong

of touch

of love

of hate

of lies

the fear that is the only feeling i know how to feel

food
tastes
like
poison
air
feels
like
i r o n
vision
swollen
down
twisted
e v i l
even
i
started
out
straight

feels like the point of breakingdown is not far now...everything is wearing off. just want to go any place home. want that homey feeling. where i can sit with a mug of hot coffee after a nice shower, and have my own schedule of doing nothing much at home, alone. where i can just sit and think in a this-is-not-so-imp fashion about my life. about a new start : about a new year in college. about my future art life. about new music. about the rains. about a new day dream, or a new mood, or a new word...about anything that is fresh. about anything that is not yesterday.

an artist's rendition of a stormy sea which may be seen as a projection of the artist's own inner turmoil with the colours reflecting the various flavours and moods in which she may be seen though always maintaining the outer calm composure which is inferred through the use of the colour blue...

so you think ill make a good psychologist???

just for the record...the only answer to the above question is in the affirmative...no other responses shall be entertained...

i'm sure i feel anything i believe
the mistaken version of an earlier post, which i like more!

Did you see your affections change

base from one to the other?

Did you notice your temper flare

at first your father, then your mother?

Did you know that love could fade

and the price of truth would change?

Did you think that someone someday

would come and steal your breath away?

Did you feel the falling rain

that splashed its way and soaked you through?

Did you try to ease the pain,

when the meaning of life no longer held true?

Did you fall so low you couldnt get up,

then find someone to lift you?

Did you take someone's dreary heart

and paint it with brilliant hues?

Did you want to sacrifice all you had

for someone who deserved it?

Did you pretend you were really glad

when your insides truly bled?

Did you walk a mile in someone's shoes

and realise that yours fit better?

Did you wait through endless blacks and blues

for a close friend's soothing letter?

Did you juggle between truth and lies

and choose the wrong one in the end?

Did you reason with the guys

that lies are truth thats bent?

Did you hurt the moon and sun and stars

when you fell down from heaven?

Did you get back up on your paws

and follow the long lost devil?

Did you search the planet low and high

for signs of brainy living?

Did you plug the rainbows and deserts dry

and think of all you'd given?

Did you pry into your own sweet soul

and think that youre just peachy?

Did you doubt yourself and kiss the floor

and render yourself out of reach?

the ghost of you

the light is gone, a shadow cast,
a person built, but not to last,
an arch will be the death of you,
your hollow eyes are the only view,
a curve that ends and begins again,
a ghost that haunts the dreams of men,
i hear you calling in the night,
your voice brings memories of the fight,
i try to think of other things,
but succumb to the sorrow that joy brings,
i wait and wait and wait in vain,
try to numb the endless pain,
nothing works, i cant see through,
the memory and the ghost of you.